Swift explores what can be learned from the past week of riots on UK blessed soil

‘White riot/I wanna riot/White riot/A riot of my own’, requested celebrated tunesmiths The Clash way back when. Well, their dream has certainly come true.

The current dust-ups in cities across England (and Northern Ireland, where rioting is practically an Olympic sport) have featured the usual - missiles, burning cars, injured police, and - most frequent of all, gigantic clouds of hot air from all but a few politicians. 

Coughing and spluttering, let’s get through this fog of fraudulence, shall we?

Swift’s first thought is to place this within an historical context. As my illustrious namesake, the Dean, would have surely pointed out, ale and sunshine exercise a fatal charm on the English population (Scotland, where the sun is a fleeting visitor, is less prone to such outbreaks). 

Anyone who looks at Hogarth or reads accounts of contested elections in the eighteenth century will be well aware that having a good old street punch-up is as English as cream teas and those irritating nuns who are always cycling to Holy Communion (Orwell’s to blame for them, dear readers). In 1797 Riot Act was even read at Eton, for gawd’s sake.

So when Swift hears politicians prating about ‘far right thugs…violence never justified …community in shock…brave police…justice etc. etc.’, he does wish that someone might say something original.

Two politicians did catch Swift’s eye. Naughty Nigel F seemed to suggest early doors that the Po-Po were covering up the truth about Southport. He then had to backtrack sharply. Readers who might be tempted to get into bed with him - politically speaking - please note. He’s not Mr Reliable, is he?

Kemi Badenoch said the quiet part out loud. Failed integrationist policies have left us a reservoir of resentment. Some white working class people feel left behind. Others think that policing takes a different line if the rioters are Asian Brits or Romanies rather than White Brits. She also gained extra marks for using the Ship of Theseus paradox (like Trigger’s Broom, only more erudite) - if Britain changes so much to reflect different cultures, is it still the same country?

Of course she was monstered by the Guardianistas, safely away in their leafy suburbs. But she had more than a point. The government will say no. But perception matters.

Let’s however not get carried away. We are in the reverse situation to poor old Louis XVI, who asked ‘Is it a riot?’ when the Bastille fell. ‘No sire, it is a revolution’, came the sober response. We are not about to implode, whatever dear Elon might claim. To judge by the court cases, we are looking at a motley crew of drunks, excitable kids, and petty criminals. No Dantons or Robespierres they.

But to ignore the underlying gripes is to ensure that the next time the sun’s out and the pubs are open it will only take a few Telegram messages and a misjudgment by the authorities to set the whole circus going again. Let’s at least learn something this time.