We reflect on the Conservative Party after a PopConversation with party Co-Chairman, Lord Johnson

Swift felt a warm feeling of repose steal over his weary eyes as the urbane Lord Johnson of Lainston tackled - correction evaded - the critical issues facing our great party. Sporting a pair of adman’s glasses which looked to Swift like a deliberate hommage to Lord (Maurice) Saatchi (of course himself a former party chairman) the noble Lord was all bonhomie. As Mark Littlewood, PopCon’s great helmsman, revealed statistic after statistic demonstrating that our supporters wanted reform of the party machinery and more power delegated to members; and were rather fed up at the lack of progress so far, Johnson proclaimed his undying gratitude. He indeed gushed. This feedback was top notch, of course it was. Thoroughly helpful, will be taken into account, watch this space for news that will knock our socks off etc.

However, Swift observed a certain fuzziness over the details of the reform express heading our way. Now of course the leadership has been pretty cautious about policy so far, and jam tomorrow has been the leitmotif of the Tory Orchestra. And equally, who really cares about Conservative policies right now? But this is perhaps missing the point. The structure, membership and constitution of the party are things which the leadership can determine; they are also things which members, however few there might be these days (another issue), care about; and they are things which were demonstrably broken before the last election.

It was not a good sign when Lord J opined that members weren’t doing enough. Not sufficiently active on social media (the only game in town according to him), nor in recruiting fresh infantry for the next big push.

Now Swift, dear readers, had his nose rather put out of joint by this. Is it fair to ask the shell-shocked soldiers who have just experienced the political version of the Somme to go back over the top, having additionally persuaded some more Poor Bloody Infantry to join them? Swift submits instead that members require a clarion call from a leadership enunciating clear Conservative polices - hallowed by time and by the Blessed M - before they are ready for a new campaign. At present much of our leadership seems to be following the precept of Gilbert’s Duke of Plaza Toro, who - his readers will recall - preferred to urge his men on from the rear.

On other issues his lordship was obfuscatory. Finances - an area for which he has direct responsibility? Prefer not to say. Repairs to the machinery? On their way. Details on the constitution? Not my job, guv. The party board is a thing of beauty, CCHQ full of shining stars, and can we please have more money and more TikToks? 

Somewhat to Swift’s bewilderment, this apostle of modern communications (‘oracy’ is in, ‘literacy’ is out, in case his readers wish to know) was completely opposed to reinterpreting membership in a more flexible way to bring in supporters of Tory values who might not want to attend meetings and go canvassing every weekend. Swift had the suspicion that formal membership was all that mattered because it provided a cadre that could be reasonably expected to give up lots of time gratis, and - not incidentally - handed over lots of lovely cash. But this is surely a proposition whose time has gone. As a party we require more gateway drugs before people can be introduced to the crack cocaine of free market capitalism (and stumping up their £50 or so) as it were. Not on his watch, though.

Swift cannot conclude without mentioning two wondrous moments that lit up the evening (for him at least). The first was the introduction of Lord J’s dog (sadly off-camera) in a transparently thirsty attempt to secure heart emoticons from the attendees. Not since Nixon’s Chequers speech has the possession of man’s best friend been so politically opportune.

But the shining best was Johnson’s statement that in contrast to his own life, his 16-year-old daughter would have a more flexible education and career, get married later, have children later, might never formally retire, and he concluded: ’might not even die’. 

Vote Conservative and Live for Ever? I think we have the next election in the bag.