Our writer complains that the great UK-EU reset can’t even deliver the one thing he wants

Swift has a holiday booked. To Croatia. Which, checks notes, is in the European Union.

So, although the very big, very wonderful deal (copyright D. Trump) which Keir Starmer has struck with the EU  is, on closer examination, more like the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk than the Peace of Westphalia, it evokes no more than a weary sigh from Swift. Others can demolish it part by shabby part.

Today dear readers, Swift wishes to be entirely selfish. Since Brexit, he has queued for many hours in the liquorice all-sorts passport lane in various European airports, accompanied by screaming toddlers, irritatingly excited Americans, and Nigerians dressed in pleasingly exotic garb. Honestly, the fun of identifying the countries by the colours of their entry documents has long since worn off.

So he was gratified, nay overjoyed, to learn that this burden has been lifted by the herculean efforts of Sir Keir.

Except it hasn’t. It turns out that use of the electronic gates, rather than enduring a check by scowling border guards, will be at the dispensation of each member state of the EU. 

Hang on a sec. Wasn’t it the case that when David Cameron, Theresa May, and Boris Johnson tried their winning ways (Swift is not sure than Theresa May actually has a winning way, but no matter) in Paris, Berlin, Rome etc., the answer was always: ‘The EU is united, negotiate through Brussels or not at all’?

But now we have a sliver of good news midst the encircling gloom, it turns out this is not the case at all. It’s member states, sovereign powers, matey, and don’t you forget it.

Swift is would hope that travel hotspots like Spain and Portugal will pursue this new option, although the Spanish seem to be able to drag Gibraltar into everything, so maybe not. He is also 95% convinced that the French won’t play nicely, in pursuit of their endless war against the hated Rosbifs who have either defeated them or rescued them through the centuries. Any potential tourist upside will be submerged in Gallic spite.

As for Croatia he has absolutely no idea. Thoughts and prayers, dear readers, thoughts and prayers.